It’s that time of the year again, when women are feverishly resolving to whip our undisciplined, imperfect selves into shape. This is no small task, considering all the things we believe we must do in order to be well-rounded 21st century sort of girls: combine the brains of Toni Morrison, the body of Charlize Theron, the energy of Tina Turner and the homemaking skills of Martha Stewart into one adorable nonthreatening package; ascend to the top of the ladder at work; spend quality time with our mates, friends, children, pets, plants, ageing relatives, partner, email companions and inner child; take our actual children to soccer practice, school, gymnastics, and taekwondo; lift weights, practice yoga and do kegal exercises 1,000 times a day so that we can have earthshaking orgasms; spend hours each week volunteering for a good cause; maintain our looks by getting regular facials, manicures and pedicures; whip up delicious meals for our loved ones, while strictly policing our own food intake; meditate in order to feel hysterical about having no time and, when  that doesn’t do the trick schedule sessions with a therapist to figure out how to live a more balanced life. AND THIS IS ONLY A PARTIAL LIST.

  No wonder women all around the world are having a collective nervous breakdown. Trying to do all this would take at least 64 hours a day, 17 days a week (64-17)!! That’s why I propose an alternative set of New Year resolutions for women who are fed up with trying to be perfect.

1. I resolve not to treat myself like one of the world’s most wanted when I forgo any or all of the activities listed above.

(WARNING: This does not apply to feeding pets or small children, even husbands)

2. Despite all advertising messages to the contrary, I will accept myself as I am and stop believing that I should be thrown in jail for being too fat, short, tall, stupid, smart, ugly, beautiful, emotional, ____, ____, ____.(you fill the blanks)

3. I vow to honour my mood swings and allow myself to feel what I really feel.

4. I further resolve to reconnect my vital female organs- my mind and my mouth- and say what I really think.

5. I will remember that food is not a luxury item. Therefore, I vow not to punish myself for every morsel that passes between my lips.

6. Although, I deeply admire Mother Theresa, I recognize that I have limitations and can’t take care of every single person I know every single person I know every hour of the day.

7. I will try to make peace with the fact that I live in a human body and all that implies- heartburn, headache, fatigue, PMS, etc.

8. When I start comparing myself with every stranger I pass on the street- convinced that each one is thinner, richer, smarter and happier than I am- I will try to remember that they are looking at me and thinking exactly the same thing.

9.  Instead of seizing every possible opportunity (such as deleting my husband or brother’s Play Station game data)to prove to myself what a wicked, ungrateful, unworthy she-wretch I am, I will forgive myself daily for being human.

10. I resolve to not sweat the small stuff or the big stuff.  Life is like a trip on the titanic, and not one of us will escape alive- even if we exercise daily, floss and brush nightly and guard vigilantly against accumulating fat grams. On the bright side, once we come to grips with this heartbreaking news, we can cut ourselves- and everyone else on the planet- some serious slack and start having some fun.